Last year I complained about religious action figures not coming with enough cool accessories and, while I am grateful to be heard, I never said anything about creepy, glow-in-the-dark hands.

With hands like that, I’ll bet Jesus could heal the lame by the simple expedient of scaring them shitless.

Jesus: Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.

Cripple: Aaaah! Okay, I’m up! I’m up! Get the fuck away!

The loaves, fishes and amphora (dude, just look it up) are pretty cool, but I would have maybe preferred the Spear of Destiny and a big honking boulder, or perhaps an accompanying action leper with removable sores.

Anyone listening?

My mission is now to devise and market a product so preposterous that the inevitable derision and parody turn it into a meme. Then I’ll have two markets:

1. People who buy my product sincerely. In addition to making money from these deserving chumps, I’ll keep their contact information in my list of Humans To Be Bred for Food When Society Collapses.
2. People who buy my product to be cool and ironic. They’ll go into my list of Humans To Be Eaten Immediately When Society Collapses.

The distinction is subtle; each triggers a double take, but in the latter case, one cannot help but wonder, “WTF?”

I am beginning to suspect that the deep thinkers responsible for this sort of packaging are banking on consumers taking two looks at it, then saying to themselves, “I have got to show this to the [wife|guys at the office|therapist],” thus securing a sale not based on the desirability of the can’s contents, but its humor value. These marketeers have not thought their cunning plan all the way through, however. They did not take into account: a) camera phones, or b) that this market has already been cornered by Mad magazine (Acrobat pdf, page 4).

Previously.