“What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff.”

The full show

In honor of Easter Week, one of my loyal readers sent this to me and, wow. I…wow.

Last year I complained about religious action figures not coming with enough cool accessories and, while I am grateful to be heard, I never said anything about creepy, glow-in-the-dark hands.

With hands like that, I’ll bet Jesus could heal the lame by the simple expedient of scaring them shitless.

Jesus: Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.

Cripple: Aaaah! Okay, I’m up! I’m up! Get the fuck away!

The loaves, fishes and amphora (dude, just look it up) are pretty cool, but I would have maybe preferred the Spear of Destiny and a big honking boulder, or perhaps an accompanying action leper with removable sores.

Anyone listening?

If you’ve read the book or seen the film “Pay It Forward,” then the concept of engaging in selfless acts to make the world a better place is not new to you. I do this myself in small, practical ways. Given any public situation – driving, grocery shopping, walking down a hallway – I look for opportunities to make things flow better. This could mean offering to take someone’s empty shopping cart when hu is on the way out and I’m on the way in, or making an effort to ensure that no one has to apply hus brakes in reaction to a move that I make on the highway. Typically these actions cost me very little, but they are executed with the mindset of flow – conscious acknowledgment that I am one among many people, each of us trying to get from one place to another, or accomplish tasks simultaneously. New Yorkers, incidentally, have got this down pat. On an average weekday, New York’s public transportation system accommodates 7.5 million trips. That’s about as many breaths as you’ve taken in the last year. If a New Yorker is ever rude to you, there is a decent chance that you did something to impede the overall flow. With their throughput, if too many people were to engage in non-flow-promoting behavior, the whole city would promptly shit itself and gridlock.

This conscious approach to coexistence has become so ingrained that I feel physically uncomfortable (cringey) when I see people thoughtlessly, or otherwise, impede flow (asshole drivers, meanderthals and the like). I am not a confrontational fellow (too much like proseletizing), but I have taken to catching such people’s eye and giving them a small, disappointed shake of my head, trying to convey with gesture, “The world can be a very hard place to live in – all kinds of random shit can wear you down, or take you out of it altogether – so why the fuck are you making it just that little bit harder for the rest of us to get along in it?”

Opening my kimono a bit wider than usual, the idea that deists/atheists are amoral saddens me. I consider myself to have a strong sense of morality, one that I came by honestly and practice in daily life. Playing straw man a bit, I could counter an assertion made by a devout member of one of God’s many franchises that being godless is akin to being a sociopath, merely by pointing out that my values system is not based on some scary, eternal salvation/damnation model but on a highly practical, fulfilling effort to do good works simply because everyone benefits.

Honestly, which sounds more genuine? “Be virtuous, or you’re doomed to an eternity of fire and poking,” or “We’re all on our own, so why not lighten each other’s load a little”?

I’ve felt awkward the entire time I’ve been writing this. I am not smug, and I have no agenda other than putting an idea out there that might make a random passerby pause and reflect. Please, go delight someone for no reason other than that the world could stand to be more delightful, or that someone might appreciate having a little time cut off of hus commute.

A friend of mine was recently burning away a bit of her soul shopping at Wal-Mart when she came across this:

The product description over at Amazon comes on a little strong, as if responding to the imagined question, “Jesus? Who the hell is Jesus?”

Jesus was the most important person in history. Ever. He was born in a manger, raised as a carpenter, and crucified on a cross. He healed the sick. He raised the dead…

And He had realistic eyes. And many, many points of articulation.

It’s hard to read the text, but just below “I Talk Try Me!” the packaging advises, “I come to life with just the push of a button.” Wow, that would make Catholic Mass a whole lot shorter…

One 2 Believe also sells a talking Mary, Moses, David and Esther (Esther?). If these sell well, perhaps they will expand the product line to biblical figures that I’d like to buy, and, for the love of poseable Jesus, make with some accessories. Right off the top of my head – Judas (tree), Lazarus (stone), Lot’s Wife (before and after), Jezebel (pack of dogs), Job (various sores), and John the Baptist (removable head) – and I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee.

One customer review let me know that I am not alone in my amusement:

This does get 5 stars for durability though. I’ve accidentally scratched or poked some holes in my Jesus, and within a couple of days, the plastic seals right up again. I don’t know what they used to make this, but it’s great!

The American Family Association is a fundamentalist Christian activist organization that is a convenient one-stop-shop for everything that I hate about religion. Their One News Now web site (yellow to the point of being jaundiced) has, or had, a filter that automagically replaced instances of the word “gay” with “homosexual” in stories reprinted from sources like the Associated Press.

This recently led to a clbuttic bit of self-pwnage with respect to an AP article about Tyson Gay winning the 100 meter semifinal in the Olympic trials:

Homosexual eases into 100 final at Olympic trials

EUGENE, Ore. (AP) — Tyson Homosexual easily won his semifinal for the 100 meters at the U.S. Olympic track and field trials and seemed to save something for the final later Sunday.

One News Now since removed the filter, but not before People for the American Way got the screenshot.

By way of justification for the filter, Fred Jackson, the news director of One News Now, explained that:

[The word 'gay'] has been co-opted by a particular group of people.

Not that the AFA hates fags or anything, as their FAQ makes quite clear:

The same Holy Bible that calls us to reject sin, calls us to love our neighbor. It is that love that motivates us to expose the misrepresentation of the radical homosexual agenda and stop its spread though our culture. AFA has sponsored several events reaching out to homosexuals and letting them know there is love and healing at the Cross of Christ.

So that’s good. It’s good to love. If the song That’s Amore has anything to teach us, it’s that:

Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a homosexual tarantella.

Previously.

In my last post I mentioned that whenever I’m at a venue where the Pledge of Allegiance is recited, I stand with my hands at my sides. I only mentioned it because when I wrote that post I was initially jotting down impressions and recollections while they were fresh. I included it as a detail. One of my gentle readers pointed out that without providing an explanation as to why, people would be left to fill in their own conclusions. Well, we mustn’t have that.

Why I Stand

This started in homeroom my Junior year of high school. Every morning before we went to our first class, we said the Pledge. For reasons that I’ll get to, I decided that I wasn’t going to do it anymore. When everyone else stood, I did not. The homeroom teacher was furious with me, and sent me to the office.

Neither the principal nor the vice-principal was in, but I was a regular and received assurances that one or the other would be in touch. I was on my way to get a smoke over at Chez Boys when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Ms. Henderson, the vice-principal.

Donna was an older, handsome blonde woman whom I had learned not to piss off. We were at present enjoying a shaky detente. She politely asked me what had occurred, and why I no longer wanted to say the Pledge. I explained it to her (I swear, I’ll get to it). She didn’t say anything for several moments and then – it was probably the first time someone addressed me as if I were an adult – said, “I understand. What I would ask for you to consider is that the Pledge is something that some people believe in very strongly. Out of respect for what they believe, maybe you could just stand?” A light went on as I learned that it was possible to be true to my own beliefs without being unnecessarily confrontational.

Thank you, Donna. You taught me something which still helps me to go my own way.

Why I Don’t Sing Along

It would be disrespectful for me to recite it.

Allegiance – The obligation of a subject or citizen to hus sovereign or government.

None for me, thank you. I consider my contract with the United States adequate in its current form. I pay my taxes fair and square and, in exchange, I enjoy access to infrastructure and public safety – no need to get all gushy with a bunch of talk about allegiance. I want government involved in my life as little as possible. I wouldn’t swear allegiance to my bank, so why on earth would I swear allegiance to my government?

If I were to put my hand over my heart and say the words, believing as I do, I would be showing disrespect to those who genuinely believe. It’s the same reason I don’t take communion on those occasions when I attend Catholic Mass. I do not believe in Transubstantiation, so I have absolutely no business taking communion. It would be rude.

It scares the shit out of me.

If you’re a believer, the next time the Pledge comes up, close your eyes and just mouth the words (it’s okay, the Flag will give you a pass) so you can hear what a room full of people reciting the Pledge sounds like. It sounds like a bunch of zombies saying grace before tucking into the buffet. “With liberty and *braaaiiiinnnnnnss* for all.” I’m not kidding, it freaks me out.

Deeds Not Words

Which is more important: That I recite a Pledge in which I do not believe, or that I engage (without irony) in civic-minded activities like being an election volunteer?

Origins of the Pledge

The Pledge is not the Declaration of Independence, is not the Constitution, is not the Bill of Rights. Our founders never heard of it. Wikipedia has a fascinating article on its origins. My favorite bit of history about the Pledge is the Bellamy Salute (pictured below):

Hooboy.

Reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in a group setting imbues the gathering with a solemnity and sense of occasion that works just fine for some. I cannot engage in this ritual honestly, so I simply pay respect and leave it at that.

You got a problem with that?