Q: What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?

A: She screamed her hands off.

Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

This gag is quintessentially Futurama. Welcome back, guys. You were missed.

MrPikes presents:

Goat Cheese-Stuffed Chicken Breasts

4 boneless chicken breast halves, skinned
1/2 c. fresh goat cheese, about 4 oz.
2 green onions, thinly sliced
3 basil leaves, shredded or 1 tsp. dried, crumbled
1 egg, beaten to blend
1/2 c. dry bread crumbs (or corn flakes)
2 tbsp. unsalted butter, melted

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Pound chicken between sheets of waxed paper to 1/4″ thickness. Pat chicken dry.

Combine cheese, green onions and basil in small bowl. Season with salt and pepper. Spread chicken mixture lengthwise over half of each chicken piece. Tuck short ends in. Roll chicken up, starting at one long side, into tight cylinders. Tie ends with string or secure with toothpicks. Refrigerate until firm. Remove string (or toothpicks), dip chicken in egg, allowing excess to drip into bowl. Roll in bread crumbs (or corn flakes).

Place chicken in an 8″ square baking dish. Pour 2 tablespoons melted butter over. Bake until cooked through, about 20 minutes. Serves 4.

Tongue. Boner.

We came across this delightful offering in the model train section of a hobby shop last weekend. Unfortunately, they were all out of Cripples.

Penguin Group Australia is reprinting 7,000 copies of the Pasta Bible because one recipe calls for “salt and freshly ground black people.”

This reminds me of a Freudian slip I committed recently while having brunch with my father.

What I meant to say was:

Dad, will you please pass the pepper?

What came out was:

You lousy prick, you ruined my childhood.

Previously.

For a laugh, read it aloud in a serious voice and yell the last two words.

The other day I had an original thought, which occurs less frequently than I would like.

Extemporaneously, in conversation, I referred to one of my very close associates as Douche ex machina (to see that upon which I was riffing, see here if you are not familiar).

Google? 13,700 hits on that exact string.

I fucking hate the Internet. It makes me feel small when I should feel clever.