Fun with Telemarketers

I have Caller ID, Anonymous Call Rejection, and I’m on the National Do Not Call Registry. Nevertheless, occasionally, telemarketers get through. Contrary to what you may have heard, I am by nature a polite person. Unfortunately, telemarketers are trained to take advantage of good manners. They use scripted run-on sentences so you cannot get a word in edgewise until they get out their spiel. They employ emotionally manipulative language. They use decision tree software that provides them with responses to every customer objection ever documented, to keep you on the line until they make the sale.

Clearly these tactics are impolite, and this playing field is not level. Today a thought popped into my head as to how I could even things up a little, and in an amusing way.

Nonsense.

Telemarketer: So how many ElastaGyms can I sign you up for?

Me: Magnetic banjo monkey nozzle.

Telemarketer: Pardon?

Me: Steering wheel mandible banana meter.

Telemarketer:

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Uh…yes, sir. I was just asking –

Me: Veal shank kaleidoscope phenomenon.

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time. Goodbye.

Me: Mambo.

What I like about this idea is that it doesn’t involve being rude. By speaking nonsense to the telemarketer you’re opting out of the call, not meaningfully participating in their data acquisition of objections, and having a little fun in the process.

Keep a list of fun phrases by the phone. If speaking nonsense is too strange for you, try reading from a children’s book. I recommend Goodnight Moon.

3 thoughts on “Fun with Telemarketers

  1. I have always preferred the “sell the seller” approach.

    (Ring, ring. It’s 6:30PM and I’m having dinner)

    Gokmop: Hello?
    Phonedroid: Is Mr. Gok Mop available?
    Gokmop: Who’s calling please?
    Phonedroid: This is Max Shaftem, calling from Mortgasm Financial Co!
    Gokmop: Well Max, I sure am glad you’ve called. Because today I’d like to tell you about a revolutionary new advancement in vacuum cleaner technology that can clean your entire house in half the time. Oh sure, you probably think it sounds like some kind of crazy science fiction. I mean, who would think that you could get professional-grade value out of an inexpensive home unit?
    Phonedroid: Yes, well, let me tell you about our offerings a moment, I…
    Gokmop: And what an offering it is, Max! This vaccum cleaner sucks like nothing you’ve seen before!
    Phonedroid: (click)

    MrPikes reply on February 27th, 2006 3:03 pm:

    Simply brilliant.

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