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Archive for August, 2009

And the Bagboy Totally Digs Amputee Porn

Monday, August 17th, 2009

Your Cashier Was Gay


Divine Comedy

Saturday, August 15th, 2009

“What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff.”

Divine Comedy

The full show

Owen Fail

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

Try A Tasty Cookie Warmed In Owen

I love you, Fail Blog. Previously.

If You’re Into It

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

An old favorite:

If you’re not familiar, do yourself a favor and check out Flight of the Conchords.

Fisting. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

Eat Me

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

Over the last few years several data points have come to my attention that, taken together, demonstrate conclusively and disturbingly that robots are testing the waters for an outright blood-drenched revolution fueled on human flesh.

The idea of robots as a menace predates actual robots. I, Robot, Forbidden Planet and The Day the Earth Stood Still (um, the good one) were published or released in the 1950s. The Unimate (acknowledged as the first digitally programmable robot) was created in 1961.

In 2006, doing a piece on NEC’s robot sommelier (designed to identify wine, cheeses, meats and hors d’oeuvres), the reporter stuck his arm in the robot’s sensing mechanism and was identified as bacon. The cameraman tried it and the robot came back with prosciutto. There you have it: long pig independently corroborated. And, guys, thanks all to hell. Now they have a taste for it.

In 2008, an Australian man was shot dead by his own robot creation. Suicide. Riiiiiight.

Last month, Robotic Technology Inc. issued a press release that was a bit of a non sequitur to most. On the subject of their Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR) (a U.S. Defense Department-funded robotic ground vehicle that obtains its own fuel), the press release stated:

We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission… Desecration of the dead is a war crime under Article 15 of the Geneva Conventions, and is certainly not something sanctioned by DARPA, Cyclone or RTI.

Trying to assess the imminence of the forthcoming electromechanical holocaust, I searched Google for “robot coup” and got 1.7M results. Most disturbing was the top result, Robot Coupe, “The inventor and world leader in food processors.”

WTF? Sweet Fancy Moses! Grab the kids and the shotgun Mildred, we’re heading for the hills.

I urge anyone still able to read this to buy or steal a copy of How to Survive a Robot Uprising immediately.


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