Dateless Wonder, Captain Asperger’s, The Dyslexic Dou, Mound, Harelip! Let us away!

I know that springtime has well and truly come to Richmond when the pollen count is pegged and my white car is rendered a yellowish green. I was just cutting the grass (right after mowing the lawn) when a thought occurred to me:

Nature is ejaculating on me.

Every time you step outside you’re walking in on one ginormous booty call (it would be helpful if Nature had a bow-chicka-bow-wow soundtrack, or at least hung a tie on the door), and every time you sneeze it’s the inverse of bukkake. If you don’t know what that is then follow the link at your own peril (and definitely not from work), but if you want a hint, see below:

After a one-week test run of a Chia Obama in its Tampa and Chicago markets, Walgreens has pulled the product from its shelves. According to a company statement issued by Walgreens spokesman Robert Elfinger:

We decided to pull the product because it didn’t fit with our corporate image. We also didn’t want to be subject to any misinterpretation over the product. People could interpret it through a political viewpoint or other viewpoints and we want to avoid that situation.

I can understand Walgreens’ position (their image isn’t exactly hip, unless it has something to do with actual hips) and, happily, there are still online venues selling the product (Amazon, Drugstore.com), so it’s not as if this will be the product that never was. The president of Joseph Enterprises and creator of the Chia Obama, Joe Pedott, is still sick over Walgreens’ decision, stating that the clay bust is:

…hope, courage and pro-American.

According to Pedott, he even showed the bust to the Reverend Jesse Jackson during a chance encounter in a Chicago eatery, and the Reverend stated that it was a fine product.

So there’s that.

As for me, I’ve never owned a Chia Pet before but, in less than a week, I’ll never be able to say that again.

In honor of Easter Week, one of my loyal readers sent this to me and, wow. I…wow.

Last year I complained about religious action figures not coming with enough cool accessories and, while I am grateful to be heard, I never said anything about creepy, glow-in-the-dark hands.

With hands like that, I’ll bet Jesus could heal the lame by the simple expedient of scaring them shitless.

Jesus: Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.

Cripple: Aaaah! Okay, I’m up! I’m up! Get the fuck away!

The loaves, fishes and amphora (dude, just look it up) are pretty cool, but I would have maybe preferred the Spear of Destiny and a big honking boulder, or perhaps an accompanying action leper with removable sores.

Anyone listening?